My Body

My body and I have had a love hate relationship over the past few years. I blame myself for all the hate. I have used my body to protest eating disorders. I know, I know…not one of my smartest ideas. I have seen so many people I love relate there worth based on how they look. In high school it was always a strive to be skinny with the “in” crowd. Even at that point there are girls facing huge issues with body image and what the media gives us as “pretty”.

I hate this, to the very core of my being I hate this. I hate it because its not realistic. I hate it because beauty comes in many forms. No one can be a duplicate of what we see as beauty nor should anyone want to be a duplicate. Everyone holds something special in who they are.

Now this brings me to living a healthy lifestyle. In the past I have even stayed away from that. I never ever want to worry about my body like I have seen people who are trying to keep at a certain size. I hate the idea of diets. I was on one at 17. I have seen my family go through diets. I have seen people addicted to working out and keeping in shape. I am nervous that my mentality will change and I will become addicted to staying in shape.

In the end I know this is only hurting me. The way that I have chosen to protest isn’t doing anything but hurting me. So here is the new game plan. Take care of myself so I can include that in whatever I pass onto teens in the future. Monitor what stereotypes I let in. Don’t listen to “guy talk” because most of the time that is not how they really feel. Learn to live for me and realize that I can’t control what others do and they have a eating disorder showing them how to eat with my body does nothing.

Dear Media,
I you are starting to come around in some areas but I would love it if you stopped creating an image that is impossible to attain. That image may be fake but it affects real people every day. Thank you to dove for starting the True Beauty project. We need more companies like you doing something so powerful.
Jenn

Portland

Portland is not the place for me. I talked to someone today who actually took offense to this. I would laugh if I thought it was funny. This made me like Portland even less. Maybe he was angry because He felt like I was judging him. I just don’t identify with the personality of this city. I was basically talking about how Portland has more of a personality than I first thought. When I moved here in 04 I was going to college and was here with many other people not from Portland. I love what the city has to offer but these past few months I have had to do some house hunting and in the process of looking for new roommates my eyes were opened to a new part of Portland. The Vegan only, must love cats and 420 Portland. The I am fine living paycheck to paycheck as long as I am in a zen mode Portland. I was lucky enough to land some awesome roommates but in the process found that this city is not me.

I will forever treasure what Portland has taught me. The top two things being yoga is an amazing tool for relaxation and it is ok to be different just own it.
I love what Portland has to offer outdoors with an ocean and mountain nearby and tons of hiking. I love that there are a ton of places that are not corporate. That being said I don’t hate corporate as I feel many do here. I feel like there is an urge to protest anything that’s not unique. I am also tired of the starving artist mentality. I have big dreams for my life. I want to do things and am in no way satisfied with just getting by. I feel like I am judged for that as well.

What I have listed are complete generalizations. And I do think there are people here that don’t fit it to that group but I also think there are many that do.
I look at cities as dates. You date the city to see if its somewhere that you live. Does the city have things that touch your soul? Things that daily resonate with you? If so it is a city you want to date. And what is funny if someone talks bas about your date you will defend him or her. I ran into another person who I talked to about my feelings of this city and I think they too took offense. Because they have dated this place and felt like they identify with the heartbeat of it.
Long story short I have found that this city is more like a guy who rides his bike everywhere, makes just enough to live, does yoga, hikes, has a dog, wears lightweight relaxing pants and loves to recycle. The city I want to date wears a suit, makes more than enough to get by and is driven, passionate, eats meat and believes in being the provider for a family.

Again this is how I see the city. Someone may hate my future date and I am ok with that because each person you date brings out different qualities within you. And through that process you find out what characteristics or traits you care most about. What you would like to be in the forefront of everyday of your life.

No where to go but up!

Once you hit bottom there is no where to go but up.

So thanks to a great talk with a friend and some serious time searching the web followed by some reflection I expierenced a day with some hope. I also subscribe to some awesome things (i.e following postsecret on twitter).

I want to let you know of a little gem I found. Stumbleupon.com if you have never tried it you should.

I have decided that I am going to make it a point to do something each day to change my current situation.(One of my finds on the internet was a site called boxofcrayons. All I can say is check it out and let it inspire you). There are things I need to let go of. Situations I try to control. I have always had a set of standards to measure my worth by. College, grades, sports, boys, approval. After college it was onto the next step, get a good job and find a man to marry. LOL its just not that black and white.

I don't know how to let go of the timeline I had for my life and I don't know how to deal with choosing a path that is not in the box of approval that I have lived in.I When did I become so addicted to approval?

Well for now this is what I am going to hold onto:

"Lord Jesus, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Empty

Words. Hurt, abandoned, stranded, stuck, empty. Empty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents. Its scary even writing it out. But even as I type out the definition I know that no other word could do my feelings justice.

What is the purpose of my life? I used to be so sure. Now I am stuck in fear that I am creating a life I will later regret. I catch myself watching days go by without thinking twice and I wonder who I am turning into.

I search for a band aid to cover this rip that seems to have gone to my soul. The tears don't help like they used to. I cry and it feels so good to feel something that moves me to tears. To feel.But it is only moments now until I am back to nothing. I want to yell at myself to do something. I reach for another piece of chocolate and wish desperately that this one will fill some gap. Make me go numb to the empty ache that wont go away. In the end only creating more regret.

I see pain everywhere I look and it only makes the black pit in me bigger. The homeless mans face on the street. The old man walking the streets alone. A mom at the grocery store who is counting every penny, making sure she has enough money for grocery's. People eating alone in diners....

Is it the weather? Will this pass when the sun comes out? I can't seem to get out from under this cloud. Do I have to do this alone? I don't want to fight this alone anymore. Lord I believe in you. I believe that you died so I could live. I am afraid that you want me to battle this life alone. I feel like I have 2 options. Pretend like I don't need people put up a wall and push feeling little to no pain on or acknowledge that I need others and hurt when I don't have someone. I have done option one. I am trying option 2 but it sucks.

This is not me.....I miss me.