Wow.

Heard this statement today. And it hit me hard.Things to ponder on..

The paradox of our age:

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers
We buy more but enjoy less
We have more experts but more problems
We read too seldom and watch too much TV
We have added years to life but not life to years
We have done larger things but not better thing
We have cleaned the air but polluted our soul
We have higher incomes but lower morals
We have more acquaintances but fewer friends
Wider freeways but narrower viewpoints
More conveniences but less time
More medicine but less wellness
Bigger houses and smaller families
We multiply our possessions but reduce our values
We have been to the moon and back but can't cross the street to meet our neighbor
We have learned to rush but not to wait
We talk too much, love too seldom and lie all too often
More effort but less success
These are the days of more leisure but less fun
These are the days of two incomes but more divorces. Of fancier houses but broken homes.

Today there is so much on display in the showroom window of life but so little in the stockroom

I miss the days of playing in the street, making forts and using your imagination. This next generation of kids has so much information at their fingertips. We have made some great advances in technology but at what cost?

I cry

I cry because I don't feel like I can call you. I think twice when I pick up the phone and most of the time I put it back down.

Because life has changes for you

Because I love you

Because I never want to see you hurt and I want this to be forever. don't ever call me with bad news on this one

Because experience has taught me that this kind of "change" is not so much change as it is the end

Because I will no longer be the one sharing all the inside jokes with you

Because even if you didn't want things to change they have to

Because I feel guilty that I don't want to know this person more

Because you took the time to get to know me. You cared for me unlike anyone that I have ever had in my life

Because you loved me for me

Because I feel like our friendship lays in my hands and I don't want to fight for a new version of our friendship

Because I worry about you

Because I haven't seen you in a year and I don't know when I will see you again

Because I haven't gotten the usual "I'm sorry I forgot your Birthday" call that I have grown to love

Friend... I fear for you this means that the gaps of time that we don't talk becomes longer. I fear that you will fall into that pattern where you feel bad that its been so long that you don't call anymore. Friend. I cry because that night you were celebrating a new beginning, I realized it was the end of us.

I cry because the one person I want to talk to about this is the one that I can't.

I will not fight for it if you don't. If you don't call I will move on because I have to. From the bottom of my heart I wish the best for you. I don't know what I would have done without you. And this is not goodbye to you forever, just goodbye to this version of us. Some of the walls have to come up again. I am sorry that you may not know why. This is how it has to be for me to move on. This is my closure.

See you when I see you buddy.

An aha moment

The other day driving in my car I had an aha moment. I have been thinking a lot about why this is a hot button issue for me... here is what I came to. (I know this is a small part of the reason. A lot has to do with me and my confidence and how I grew up)

I was sparked when someone forwarded me and e-mail about a diet that they thought worked great! You know the usuaal guarenteed 5 pound loss in two weeks! I was looking the diet over and some staples are saltin crackers and hot dogs... HOT DOGS.. do you know what are in hot dogs. This is another blog so I am not going to get into it but here is what I have to say about diets. Most of the time they are not about getting healthy. They are about dropping weight, whatever the cost to your actual health.

When people pass on a diet.. isn't that just a "polite" way of saying "I think you could loss a few pounds". Essentially calling the person fat. I know this is not every girl out there. There may be a lot of people that don't think twice about recieving a new diet e-mail. I also know that there are a lot of girls out there who are already stuggling with body image. And I don't think I am wrong in saying that weight is one of the biggest hot points.

I need to research more to see if it is just me thinking crazy. But this is what I have for now. And for all you diet passers out there. I don't want a diet. I never will. As a matter of fact I hate that word. Living healthy. Diet...ikhhn.;sdljvc;awu.. Living Healthy..much better (if that is what you are doing).

Image

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about my struggle with image and dieting. I have decided that the new focus of my writing will be mostly on two things. #1 Body image and my experience with it in my daily life. Questions I have, struggles I see as well as positive movements out there. #2 My faith. Why? because it is a vital piece of my life. And affects everything I do.

Ok so back on track to diets and body image. Whenever this issue is brought up I literally run the other way! Ice cream? I think so, anything that is not supportive of the diet mentality. Why? I am still trying to discover that. I think it has to do with a couple things. The fact that I see people take diets to far. Reasoning behind the diet frustrates me. People who think they are not beautiful. By who's standards? I have heard it all. Some guy makes you feel like you are not the "ideal" pretty girl he is looking for. Parents have expectations for you. You want to keep up to the image that society shoves in our face every day on every magazine. Skinny is the only way to be pretty. I can't do anything about that pain. And I really feel like it is something that scars so many girls. I am scarred.

It is so hard for me to hear someone talk about their struggles with image and not take it to heart. I wish that the words "God made you perfect with an image in mind" would help. But this type of wound is deeper than that.

Sometimes I think I am crazy about this. Does anyone else feel the same? Does anyone else have a hate for the image that is out there and put on TV. Showing little girls what they should look like. I know I need to be more productive with my anger and start getting involved in something that can actually make a difference. I don't know if that would make me feel worse or like I am moving in the right direction.

Dear Music,

Dear Music,

Thank you for all that you bring to my life. Today I was at the gym and right around 9:00 my body was telling me that I was tired. My ear phone fell out and for a couple seconds I debated just throwing in the towl and going home. Then I hear "Hate me now" playing in my other ear. I put the other ear phone in and made sure that was all I could hear. The music became my thoughts. I couldn't think about anything else at that point. All I could do was feel the emotions that song brings. I not only was back in workout mode but I was ready to hit it hard.

There are songs that speak to my life. The lyrics seem like they are describing my life. And its like some how hearing those words helps me cope. Sometimes it is screaming the words of the songs along with the singer that brings healing. Pretending like you are singing to the person who broke your heart or to the world who doesn't seem to understand. And sometimes the lyrics move me to tears. Maybe there are lyrics that resonate with me. Words that I have not been able to speak.

I can't sleep... there is something missing. Tonight I seek that song that speaks to my soul. The song that vocalizes the feeling I have. A song that reminds me someone else out there thought the same thing.

I have been listening to a lot of tunes without purpose lately. I miss my country music. My coffee shop tunes that are full of soul. Tomorrow is a new day.

Winks

So lately I have this feeling that God is looking out for me. I can’t even explain it..it is just this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The kind of feeling I used to have at camp but more mature now.

Life is not always easy as a single. Not that it is easy as a couple but loneliness is in the top group of the worst feelings.

The past couple weeks I have been praying for bravery before my feet even hit the floor. I pray that God will walk with me through the day and help me become the woman he planned me to be. I have also been doing yoga at the end of my day and reflecting/praying.

There have been a couple crazy things that have happened. I was having a down day and then I came out of the gym (after it was raining) and I seriously felt like the sun was shining on me. I looked around and there were clouds everywhere except for the little piece of sky above me which had the sun shining down.
I know I know… so cheesy and doesn’t seem real. I agree. All I can do is smile and wish that everyone could experience the feeling.

When I look over the past couple months I realize how much of a rollercoaster my life has been. It is not the way I want to live my life. I am working on controlling my emotions a little more. Living by my heart has always been something that I prided myself in. I now see that I need more of a balance between my head and my heart.

Well you live and you learn right.

My Body

My body and I have had a love hate relationship over the past few years. I blame myself for all the hate. I have used my body to protest eating disorders. I know, I know…not one of my smartest ideas. I have seen so many people I love relate there worth based on how they look. In high school it was always a strive to be skinny with the “in” crowd. Even at that point there are girls facing huge issues with body image and what the media gives us as “pretty”.

I hate this, to the very core of my being I hate this. I hate it because its not realistic. I hate it because beauty comes in many forms. No one can be a duplicate of what we see as beauty nor should anyone want to be a duplicate. Everyone holds something special in who they are.

Now this brings me to living a healthy lifestyle. In the past I have even stayed away from that. I never ever want to worry about my body like I have seen people who are trying to keep at a certain size. I hate the idea of diets. I was on one at 17. I have seen my family go through diets. I have seen people addicted to working out and keeping in shape. I am nervous that my mentality will change and I will become addicted to staying in shape.

In the end I know this is only hurting me. The way that I have chosen to protest isn’t doing anything but hurting me. So here is the new game plan. Take care of myself so I can include that in whatever I pass onto teens in the future. Monitor what stereotypes I let in. Don’t listen to “guy talk” because most of the time that is not how they really feel. Learn to live for me and realize that I can’t control what others do and they have a eating disorder showing them how to eat with my body does nothing.

Dear Media,
I you are starting to come around in some areas but I would love it if you stopped creating an image that is impossible to attain. That image may be fake but it affects real people every day. Thank you to dove for starting the True Beauty project. We need more companies like you doing something so powerful.
Jenn

Portland

Portland is not the place for me. I talked to someone today who actually took offense to this. I would laugh if I thought it was funny. This made me like Portland even less. Maybe he was angry because He felt like I was judging him. I just don’t identify with the personality of this city. I was basically talking about how Portland has more of a personality than I first thought. When I moved here in 04 I was going to college and was here with many other people not from Portland. I love what the city has to offer but these past few months I have had to do some house hunting and in the process of looking for new roommates my eyes were opened to a new part of Portland. The Vegan only, must love cats and 420 Portland. The I am fine living paycheck to paycheck as long as I am in a zen mode Portland. I was lucky enough to land some awesome roommates but in the process found that this city is not me.

I will forever treasure what Portland has taught me. The top two things being yoga is an amazing tool for relaxation and it is ok to be different just own it.
I love what Portland has to offer outdoors with an ocean and mountain nearby and tons of hiking. I love that there are a ton of places that are not corporate. That being said I don’t hate corporate as I feel many do here. I feel like there is an urge to protest anything that’s not unique. I am also tired of the starving artist mentality. I have big dreams for my life. I want to do things and am in no way satisfied with just getting by. I feel like I am judged for that as well.

What I have listed are complete generalizations. And I do think there are people here that don’t fit it to that group but I also think there are many that do.
I look at cities as dates. You date the city to see if its somewhere that you live. Does the city have things that touch your soul? Things that daily resonate with you? If so it is a city you want to date. And what is funny if someone talks bas about your date you will defend him or her. I ran into another person who I talked to about my feelings of this city and I think they too took offense. Because they have dated this place and felt like they identify with the heartbeat of it.
Long story short I have found that this city is more like a guy who rides his bike everywhere, makes just enough to live, does yoga, hikes, has a dog, wears lightweight relaxing pants and loves to recycle. The city I want to date wears a suit, makes more than enough to get by and is driven, passionate, eats meat and believes in being the provider for a family.

Again this is how I see the city. Someone may hate my future date and I am ok with that because each person you date brings out different qualities within you. And through that process you find out what characteristics or traits you care most about. What you would like to be in the forefront of everyday of your life.

No where to go but up!

Once you hit bottom there is no where to go but up.

So thanks to a great talk with a friend and some serious time searching the web followed by some reflection I expierenced a day with some hope. I also subscribe to some awesome things (i.e following postsecret on twitter).

I want to let you know of a little gem I found. Stumbleupon.com if you have never tried it you should.

I have decided that I am going to make it a point to do something each day to change my current situation.(One of my finds on the internet was a site called boxofcrayons. All I can say is check it out and let it inspire you). There are things I need to let go of. Situations I try to control. I have always had a set of standards to measure my worth by. College, grades, sports, boys, approval. After college it was onto the next step, get a good job and find a man to marry. LOL its just not that black and white.

I don't know how to let go of the timeline I had for my life and I don't know how to deal with choosing a path that is not in the box of approval that I have lived in.I When did I become so addicted to approval?

Well for now this is what I am going to hold onto:

"Lord Jesus, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Empty

Words. Hurt, abandoned, stranded, stuck, empty. Empty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents. Its scary even writing it out. But even as I type out the definition I know that no other word could do my feelings justice.

What is the purpose of my life? I used to be so sure. Now I am stuck in fear that I am creating a life I will later regret. I catch myself watching days go by without thinking twice and I wonder who I am turning into.

I search for a band aid to cover this rip that seems to have gone to my soul. The tears don't help like they used to. I cry and it feels so good to feel something that moves me to tears. To feel.But it is only moments now until I am back to nothing. I want to yell at myself to do something. I reach for another piece of chocolate and wish desperately that this one will fill some gap. Make me go numb to the empty ache that wont go away. In the end only creating more regret.

I see pain everywhere I look and it only makes the black pit in me bigger. The homeless mans face on the street. The old man walking the streets alone. A mom at the grocery store who is counting every penny, making sure she has enough money for grocery's. People eating alone in diners....

Is it the weather? Will this pass when the sun comes out? I can't seem to get out from under this cloud. Do I have to do this alone? I don't want to fight this alone anymore. Lord I believe in you. I believe that you died so I could live. I am afraid that you want me to battle this life alone. I feel like I have 2 options. Pretend like I don't need people put up a wall and push feeling little to no pain on or acknowledge that I need others and hurt when I don't have someone. I have done option one. I am trying option 2 but it sucks.

This is not me.....I miss me.