Empty

Words. Hurt, abandoned, stranded, stuck, empty. Empty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents. Its scary even writing it out. But even as I type out the definition I know that no other word could do my feelings justice.

What is the purpose of my life? I used to be so sure. Now I am stuck in fear that I am creating a life I will later regret. I catch myself watching days go by without thinking twice and I wonder who I am turning into.

I search for a band aid to cover this rip that seems to have gone to my soul. The tears don't help like they used to. I cry and it feels so good to feel something that moves me to tears. To feel.But it is only moments now until I am back to nothing. I want to yell at myself to do something. I reach for another piece of chocolate and wish desperately that this one will fill some gap. Make me go numb to the empty ache that wont go away. In the end only creating more regret.

I see pain everywhere I look and it only makes the black pit in me bigger. The homeless mans face on the street. The old man walking the streets alone. A mom at the grocery store who is counting every penny, making sure she has enough money for grocery's. People eating alone in diners....

Is it the weather? Will this pass when the sun comes out? I can't seem to get out from under this cloud. Do I have to do this alone? I don't want to fight this alone anymore. Lord I believe in you. I believe that you died so I could live. I am afraid that you want me to battle this life alone. I feel like I have 2 options. Pretend like I don't need people put up a wall and push feeling little to no pain on or acknowledge that I need others and hurt when I don't have someone. I have done option one. I am trying option 2 but it sucks.

This is not me.....I miss me.