Portland

Portland is not the place for me. I talked to someone today who actually took offense to this. I would laugh if I thought it was funny. This made me like Portland even less. Maybe he was angry because He felt like I was judging him. I just don’t identify with the personality of this city. I was basically talking about how Portland has more of a personality than I first thought. When I moved here in 04 I was going to college and was here with many other people not from Portland. I love what the city has to offer but these past few months I have had to do some house hunting and in the process of looking for new roommates my eyes were opened to a new part of Portland. The Vegan only, must love cats and 420 Portland. The I am fine living paycheck to paycheck as long as I am in a zen mode Portland. I was lucky enough to land some awesome roommates but in the process found that this city is not me.

I will forever treasure what Portland has taught me. The top two things being yoga is an amazing tool for relaxation and it is ok to be different just own it.
I love what Portland has to offer outdoors with an ocean and mountain nearby and tons of hiking. I love that there are a ton of places that are not corporate. That being said I don’t hate corporate as I feel many do here. I feel like there is an urge to protest anything that’s not unique. I am also tired of the starving artist mentality. I have big dreams for my life. I want to do things and am in no way satisfied with just getting by. I feel like I am judged for that as well.

What I have listed are complete generalizations. And I do think there are people here that don’t fit it to that group but I also think there are many that do.
I look at cities as dates. You date the city to see if its somewhere that you live. Does the city have things that touch your soul? Things that daily resonate with you? If so it is a city you want to date. And what is funny if someone talks bas about your date you will defend him or her. I ran into another person who I talked to about my feelings of this city and I think they too took offense. Because they have dated this place and felt like they identify with the heartbeat of it.
Long story short I have found that this city is more like a guy who rides his bike everywhere, makes just enough to live, does yoga, hikes, has a dog, wears lightweight relaxing pants and loves to recycle. The city I want to date wears a suit, makes more than enough to get by and is driven, passionate, eats meat and believes in being the provider for a family.

Again this is how I see the city. Someone may hate my future date and I am ok with that because each person you date brings out different qualities within you. And through that process you find out what characteristics or traits you care most about. What you would like to be in the forefront of everyday of your life.

No where to go but up!

Once you hit bottom there is no where to go but up.

So thanks to a great talk with a friend and some serious time searching the web followed by some reflection I expierenced a day with some hope. I also subscribe to some awesome things (i.e following postsecret on twitter).

I want to let you know of a little gem I found. Stumbleupon.com if you have never tried it you should.

I have decided that I am going to make it a point to do something each day to change my current situation.(One of my finds on the internet was a site called boxofcrayons. All I can say is check it out and let it inspire you). There are things I need to let go of. Situations I try to control. I have always had a set of standards to measure my worth by. College, grades, sports, boys, approval. After college it was onto the next step, get a good job and find a man to marry. LOL its just not that black and white.

I don't know how to let go of the timeline I had for my life and I don't know how to deal with choosing a path that is not in the box of approval that I have lived in.I When did I become so addicted to approval?

Well for now this is what I am going to hold onto:

"Lord Jesus, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Empty

Words. Hurt, abandoned, stranded, stuck, empty. Empty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents. Its scary even writing it out. But even as I type out the definition I know that no other word could do my feelings justice.

What is the purpose of my life? I used to be so sure. Now I am stuck in fear that I am creating a life I will later regret. I catch myself watching days go by without thinking twice and I wonder who I am turning into.

I search for a band aid to cover this rip that seems to have gone to my soul. The tears don't help like they used to. I cry and it feels so good to feel something that moves me to tears. To feel.But it is only moments now until I am back to nothing. I want to yell at myself to do something. I reach for another piece of chocolate and wish desperately that this one will fill some gap. Make me go numb to the empty ache that wont go away. In the end only creating more regret.

I see pain everywhere I look and it only makes the black pit in me bigger. The homeless mans face on the street. The old man walking the streets alone. A mom at the grocery store who is counting every penny, making sure she has enough money for grocery's. People eating alone in diners....

Is it the weather? Will this pass when the sun comes out? I can't seem to get out from under this cloud. Do I have to do this alone? I don't want to fight this alone anymore. Lord I believe in you. I believe that you died so I could live. I am afraid that you want me to battle this life alone. I feel like I have 2 options. Pretend like I don't need people put up a wall and push feeling little to no pain on or acknowledge that I need others and hurt when I don't have someone. I have done option one. I am trying option 2 but it sucks.

This is not me.....I miss me.

Portland...

This past weekend I visited one of my favorite cities… Portland. While there, I realized there are a lot of things I miss about this great city. I miss living in the city and walking everywhere I need to go. I miss all my favorite coffee shops; especially at those I had become a regular. I miss the green yards, crisp air and cloudy skies. I miss the “Portland mist” and sipping coffee on rainy days while looking out the window at Vivace at various passersby on NW 23^rd. I value my time spent there this past year and believe the personal growth I have experienced has changed me into a person I am proud to be.

But it wasn’t until after I got on the plane to go back to Denver that I realize I truly miss elements of my life in Portland. In the past, I have found myself always missing places in which I was not currently living. While in New York, I missed Portland and then once I moved back to Portland, I missed New York. Now that I am in Denver, I find I miss both Portland and New York. However, I do not think it is a matter of “always wanting to be somewhere I am not”, but rather missing key elements of my life from specific places. I would argue that as we spend our lives living in different places, we adapt to specific habits/routines and learn to expect certain things. When we relocate from these places, we miss the comfort these elements of our lives used to provide.

Therefore, my question is… is there an optimal amount of comfort one place can offer? And, by traveling, does one find significant characteristics of places/people in hopes of incorporating them into their “final destination”. For me, I have found that the quality of people and authenticity of those closest to me (proximity) rank highest among the characteristics of where I want to live. Additionally, at this stage in my life, being close to a city center that offers personal autonomy, allows for an independent expression of my soul. Though these are all things found in many cities, but are they possible in all cities?

Jyndia

Identity

So I have recently entered this stage of really wanting to know who I am. This is in such a different scense than it has been over the past couple years. When I was 21 and 22 I was trying to find out what I stood for. What I really believed in and who I was as a person. Now I am in the hunt for who I am historically.

I am in this time where I am wanting and needing some seperation from my parents. (I feel like we are stuck in a parent-child relationship and need some space). I recently found out that I am mostly German and Scotish with a little Irish. I asked my parents what they knew about our history and they didn't have much to say. This irked me becuase I want to know about my family tree. Who I am is so much more than a child of my parents. There is history and life that got me to where I am today. I began thinking and wondering why i am questioning so much. Here is what I think.. I feel like there is some cool story in my past. Someone who did something awesome with their life. I want to know that I am a decandent from them. I want a new role model. I feel like my parents have always been the people who I have wanted to be like. Of course off and on but it always came back to them. Don't get me wrong they are great people I just don't think I want what they want. I feel like I need to take some other role models out for a spin and see how it feels :o) I have seen so many "Happy housewifes" in my family. I feel like I am different because even though a side of me wants some of that, that is not who I am..... I am not the housewife my Mom is or my Aunt is.

This questioning takes me onto another larger question. Who is God to me? My Father, Lover, Brother, Friend, King??? There are so many names and possibilities but all of these names conjure up different character traits. the worst part about this question is I get the sense that the answer is "YES". All of these things. My brain can't wrap around this because on earth this is not possible. Someone can't or shouldn't be my father, love, brother, friend and king...

Welp..thats all for now.
Jenn

Hopes and Fears

Hey guys...

Last night I wrote out some thoughts regarding hopes and fears. Thought I would be the first to share them on this awesome blog! Thanks so much Jenn for putting this together. Love you girls!

I think for our generation, fear is a term that is both common and yet foreign. Eight years ago, on September 11^th, our country was “rocked”. Faith was shaken, certainty thrown out the window and as a result, we, a nation that once prided its young self on being indestructible, awoke to a new reality of fear. The truth is, fear penetrates our daily lives in ways indescribable and too often leaves us changed. For me, fear dominated the majority of my childhood in ways that have left me scared and broken. The damage that was done due to the absence of certainty completely changed me. Yet, I would be lying to say the presence of fear has not made me stronger. My story is no different than many people at TNL. “I was once lost, but now I am found, was blind but now I see.” I am just a girl...a girl who strives to be known but is scared to death to let anyone see inside my heart. I am passionately seeking a life of comfort and stability, yet lost in a world that seeks to take that away. I am not into games and my deepest fear is trust. I believe we live to chase love and when we find it, we run.

We are no different than those Israelites who came back from exploring the Promise Land (Numbers 13). The fear they experienced overshadowed the beauty of God’s promise to them. Too often, that becomes our story. We loose sight of God’s promises to take care of us and provide for us. The hope we once experienced becomes obsolete and seems diminutive compared to the fear staring us in the face. Often, it is during these times we lack the maturity to take that step of faith and trust in His promises. “The Lord has promised good to me/His word my hope secures/
He will my shield and portion be/As long as life endures.”

I would love to hear some of your thoughts on your own hopes and fears...

Jyndia

Ok.. so I am not a writer by any means. I hate spell check and I don't follow the proper spelling rules I am sure. I write like I talk and this is what I would like this page to be like.

I created this blog to be a place where people can put on paper their thoughts about life and their journey.

This is a blank page. For you to spew life on, to rant about a new found truth in life, to express frustration at the hand you have currently been dealt and know that there are others out there who experience the same. This is a place to find community in questioning and sharing the ups and downs of this journey we call life.